Updated: Aug 14, 2018

Image by: Ayabulela Tutuse

It’s the wildest thing waking 6 months into the year and you haven’t done a single thing that you said you’d do. I live by lists, and I’ve scratched nothing off. The page looks like the ink just dried, fresh and crisp with no evidence of attempts. Instead I have over 167 snoozed alarms, everyday engraining in my subconscious and beloved heart that it’s okay toput off the things that I said I would do.

We’ve all heard that the saying that “only dead fish go with the flow” And the wild thing is that we think that death is a stark zombie feeling. And sure, we can wake up each morning, meet our deadlines and be literally feeling like we are slaying. I asked myself, if the demands stopped, and the current paused- would I be a fishy still on a mission? Or would be a bellied up? If work, deadlines and demands and needs of friends and family stopped, would I still feel like slayrena taking up ground? And the scary thing is that if we aren’t being intentional about our lives, we’re just really living in other people’s (intentional) currents.

I’m only a 5month old tax payer, and it’s been quite the challenge trying to balance everything. I promised myself a 2 months trial run, but the reality about adulting is that after the trial run is over, you can’t cancel your membership and throw a tantrum demanding to see the manager. Wild. My biggest challenges are my finances and time. When you start working, your time is not your own but there’s this illusion of 8 core hours, making you believe that you still hold the reigns of your time. And also, we’ve already all had our fair share of plot twists and days we absolutely can’t get out of bed, let alone even dream and remember all the goals we’ve set before us. Plot twists that make us feel like it is okay to give up on 2018. On my affirmation wall, I have it written- “If we decide to grow, take up ground and dare to build legacies – during ravenous winters and raging storms, these parts of ourselves must not be shaken. Jacaranda trees lose their purple fleece and even their green. But imagine if every winter – trees decided to shrivel back into the ground to be broken seeds.” I wrote this with being an evergreen tree in mind, that’s always the goal. But what I was really preaching to my heart here is that, we simply can’t give up and make homes in our dark and painful seasons.

Mourn, weep and throw a tantrum, stay in bed and eat an entire pot of pasta. (Hahaha, I’m not encourage unhealthy coping habits and prolonged pity parties.) But do what you need to get better and get back on the horse. Ideally, weep, reflect, and seek council, dream again, strategize and run! It’s a tricky balance to strike. One wouldn’t run a marathon the day after a C-section, but I wouldn’t suggest hibernating while we wait for the scabs to fall off. Do what you can, but we absolutely can’t afford to sit still, crippled.

I woke up, one day with mileage on my tracker, smooth soles but no crossed boarders. I have no stories to account for my journey, a blank passport but I’m exhausted and alive. I knew, I couldn’t just get through the year by just free-sailing through the days. What would I explain to future me about 20slayteen?

By Ayabulela Sunshine Tutuse

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