Updated: May 23
Birthing a new me came with facing what had previously hurt me. I yearned to move forward yet I knew that my starting point was facing the pain that was hidden in the rays of my smile.
Rebirthing, for me, came in the form of dealing with the pain that had been inflicted on me, by those close to me. The pain was evident in my dysfunctional behaviour, such as procrastination and a lack of commitment. I had to admit that the pain was still there and was hindering me from growing. It was more than letting go because sometimes letting go is not enough. I had to do something more in-depth than letting go, I had to enter through the pain, in all the spheres that were crippling me. I allowed myself to understand why those things hurt me, and how I had negatively dealt with them. In understanding the pain and learning to identify it I was able to thoroughly heal from what I had gone through. I was able to gain perspective from the journey of rebirthing myself. Through understanding the pain, I was able to boldly release myself, while allowing myself to heal. It was not easy. I shed many tears. At times I thought my heart was being pulled out because the pain was unbearable. There were times when I would tremble because I was encountering things that had shattered me. I wrote down the names of the people that had hurt me, how they had made me feel, and how I had expected them to treat me.
I continually strived to confront my pain with a warrior mindset. I wanted to remind myself that I was not going through the process to be a victim, I was going through it as a warrior that had to deal with her scars.
Healing from the pain that I had inflicted on myself was an even harder challenge. It was easier to forgive those who had hurt me than to forgive myself. Through this journey, I realised that I had great resentment towards myself. The resentment was visible in my inability to fully trust myself. I had to take ownership of some of the choices I made in my past and constantly remind myself that, the process of rebirthing was not an indication that something was wrong with me. It is important to view this journey in a positive light and to celebrate the beautiful attributes that you possess. Yes, we acknowledge our flaws but our flaws don't describe who we are. We are all on this beautiful and long journey of becoming the best version of ourselves. It will be difficult but I urge you to continuously confront the pain and allow yourself to emerge into the person that God has designed you to be. By Nomalungelo Majola
Image: Javon Swaby